Frozen In Time

Most people know a lot of the ways cancer can interrupt someone's life. As a child, it makes going to school and making friends extremely difficult. As a parent, it makes raising children and working almost impossible depending on the severity of the cancer. As an elderly person, it can sometimes send your retirement savings out the door and survival rates decrease with age. But the one thing that people don't really seem to get is you feel like your life has completely stopped. Everything you planned to do is either on hold or forgotten. You miss out on the opportunities that healthy people take for granted. And for someone who is 23 years old, the time when everyone says is the prime of your life, it's very hard to cope with.

I find that every time I reconnect or hang out with someone I feel so happy to see them and get all excited with the things going on in their life. Whether it's because they are graduating college, getting married, starting on their dream careers...and then they ask me 'what's new?' and then this little seed of jealousy begins to form. I begin to remember that I'm not working, not finishing school, don't really have a social life let alone a dating life...I feel almost like a failure because I haven't truly accomplished what I wanted to do in my life. My head just screams IT'S NOT FAIR. 

All these things I was hoping to do, I can't because of this mutation in my body. I kind of wish cancer was a mutation where you get super awesome skills like the X-men movies make it out to be. Then I wouldn't be complaining and would probably sign up to work for some cool secret mission.

A friend of mine once sent me a post about this feeling of isolation. It said cancer is like a kidnapping. It takes you away from the comfort and joys of life. It forces you to do things no person should have to endure. It messes with you psychologically and sticks with you for the rest of your life. It's true! Cancer is a kidnapping! 

And during that kidnapping it feels like you are stuck in a glass room forced to watch everyone else move on with their lives. The people outside of that room don't really know how to react. Some of them will stay close by...some will ask "what can I do to get you out?" (when we all know there isn't anything to be done except treatment)....and then there are the many who will wave and walk on by.

The ones who stick around are the ones who will be there for you when the glass walls come down and remission begins. The ones who say "what can I do?" are the ones who will stay in touch and be that extra wave of support. And the ones who walk by....well I've learned, they are the ones who come and go in our lives. You can't truly blame them because they have their own lives to lead....but this is where that seed of jealousy begins. It's human error to have jealousy...I for one am truly guilty of it. I experience it all too often when I'm on social media and see the amazing experiences my friends have. I know it's wrong and I know people have their own demons and struggles. It's just something I will have to overcome.

So while my life is frozen in time...what can I do? Well, I decided to make a bucket list. Bucket lists don't have to be for the terminally ill. They are a great way of brainstorming the things you want to do with your life and also to think of goals you can achieve in the meantime. For example, the top of my list of things to do is to go visit Harry Potter World in Florida....I know...I'm such a dork. 

But the next thing on my list is to watch the AFI Top 100 movie list. Last year I managed to get through half, and I still have many more to look forward to enjoying. Then I follow that with a big dream like meet celebrity like Ellen Degeneres or travel to Scotland....followed by composing a piece of music or reading all of Jane Austen's novels. I alternate between the big dreams and the currently doable dreams. There are quite a few things on my list, but it's a motivation and it truly makes the days have purpose. It's the little things that truly make life worth living and it's the little things that get us through the rough spots.