Little Distractions

Hey peeps! Sorry I've taken a little longer to write something on here. I even meant for this post to be up yesterday, but with everything going on in the news about the Brexit vote, I got so consumed and didn't get around to writing anything. Needless to say, I was quite upset with the turnout but I'm not gonna spend time talking about politics on my blog. I also took some time for myself last week by taking a tiny beach trip to visit a close family friend with my sister. But I'm back now and just completed what is either my last or second to last treatment of immunotherapy (which will be determined on the outcome of my next PET scan in 3 weeks). So before I become totally zombified by fatigue next week, I decided now would be the best time to make a new blogpost.

With being past the halfway point of my immunotherapy and with my transplant coming up really soon, I've been pretty emotionally stressed and my anxiety has been building up on the inside. I don't have very many people I talk to about my fears since I don't really know how to express it to people who don't know what I'm going through. Not to mention my first instinct is to bottle it up. So by containing my struggles, I've been having an overload of thoughts.

Because of this, I've been trying to distract my mind of the stuff that is to come. I made sure to make a trip to the beach last week, because I knew it would be one of the few opportunities this year before my transplant and that I seriously needed it. I've had so much stress and emotions bottled up in my head that I needed to just get rid of and I manage to do that best at the beach. I spent a few hours just sitting in the sand watching the waves coming in...just hypnotized. I tuned everything out except for the sound of the waves and the smell of the ocean breeze. It was enough to bring my mind to halt and I quickly found myself in a blissful state of meditation. I managed to clear my mind and I noticed my stress levels dying down. After that I took a long walk along the beach with my ipod (with the volume on low). Besides the rosy sunburn I managed to obtain despite putting sunscreen on twice, I actually thoroughly enjoyed my beach visit. I was just happy I was able to get that reset button for the year and it has put me in a better frame of mind for my upcoming transplant. There is definitely something therapeutic to a day at the beach.

Along with some arts and crafts, books, and movies...I've learned that it's also the little things that make for great distractions. This can be taking the longer way home in the car after running errands and enjoying the view. Or exploring a new path when going for a walk in the evening and then sitting down somewhere to watch the sun set. Or watch a video of Ellen Degeneres or James Corden (definitely been the ones to make me laugh a lot lately and great pick-me-ups). Or plunk out a few notes on the piano. Or write a letter to a friend. Or light a candle or two and listen to some good soundtrack music and just daydream a story. And when feeling very very low, sing something...even if it sounds bad, belt it!! Haha!

Sure I still have the fears about what is to come but by having these little moments for myself, I manage to minimize the fears and come to slowly accepting my situation. I've even started making preparations for what I will bring for my hospital stay. I have my embroidery and coloring books in a box. I have a new journal set aside for the two months I'll be in Baltimore. I have a set of books stacked to take with me that I've already begun to read (thank you Dana, Gregory, Tom, Tiffany, and Mom). I even spent a little of my work savings to get an instrument I've always wanted to play...I GOT A UKULELE!!! It's beautiful! It sounds so cheery and it's color is a mahogany shade....so naturally I had to name it after the Hunger Games character Effie. ;) I'm hoping since it's so compact I can bring it with me to the hospital and maybe it will keep my spirits up while I'm there.

So that's pretty much the latest with me. I will probably post again for the 4th of July as I have plans on going out with my mom that day and to see the fireworks. I'll be taking my camera with me so I'll be sure to post pictures of that adventure. I'll also be tending to my Happy Bags project now that I officially got all the materials and goodies I need for them. I will post pics of them here when they are all done (there's a lot of them). I'm hoping I can take them to Johns Hopkins this coming up month when I go in for my next consultation...even if I can't personally deliver them to all the kids, I know I will be brightening someone's day. After receiving so much support myself from nurses, doctors, support groups, family and friends...I just want to give back so others can experience that love even from just another cancer patient. And with that, I'll leave this blogpost with a happy note.

Drawing On Strength

Hey peeps! So I just finished my second immunotherapy treatment yesterday. All went well and since they monitored me the first time, they didn't need to stick around long and I got to leave right after the needle was out which was nice. Though I have acquired my next symptom...nausea. Although very very mild, it still is very triggering any time anyone so much as mentions food or shows me a plate....my appetite is totally gone and I keep getting small waves of feeling like I'm gonna be sick. But despite that and the constant fatigue that has been plaguing me since my first treatment, I decided it's time I post an update on here. So hello again!

Since my last post (which I apologize for being about two weeks ago) I've been dealing with an emotional roller coaster. It hasn't quite gone away yet as I had a minor meltdown even at my treatment yesterday. The fear keeps creeping in the back of my mind about the unexpected to come and the loneliness I'm going to have to endure. But I've been trying to keep my mind distracted on other things as much as possible. It's always been a challenge for me when people say "go to your happy place" because I never really established one particular place in my head. I also have difficulty focusing on a specific spot in the room because then that just makes thoughts move through my mind like bullet trains. Sometimes instead I try to look at pictures and ask myself things like "where/who is this? what was this picture taken? who's taking the picture? what would I do if I was there?...etc"

However this was impossible this past week as I went into the dentist again to get some cavities filled. It's mandatory to do all dental work before you go in for a bone marrow transplant...I guess to minimize any chance of infection. So there I was lying back in the chair facing the ceiling waiting for my mouth to go numb. I can't exactly hold up a picture to my face to distract myself from the drill so instead I asked if I could put in my earbuds and listen to some music on my ipod. I got the ok and was told to just close my eyes and relax. I didn't exactly go to a "happy place" but when I turned on my ipod, I realized the last thing I was listening to was movie soundtracks...and I had an epiphany.

All throughout my childhood I did competitive figure skating. I used to pick my own pieces of music to skate to and they were always from movie soundtracks. I skated to everything from Pirates of the Caribbean, to Harry Potter, to Titanic, even the musical Phantom of the Opera and more. Every time my music would start I would envision myself as a character in that movie/musical and to me it wasn't just a skating program...it became a performance. Since my skating days, I've still embraced soundtracks and listen to them when I'm alone. Sometimes I find myself choreographing skating routines or act out scenes from that movie in my head for fun.

(This is me skating to Titanic in 2006)

But that day at the dentist was a bit different. The movie soundtrack that came on was from a Marvel superhero movie (specifically one of the X-men movies). With my eyes closed, I found myself not choreographing something, but seeing one of the characters in my head...Professor X (James McAvoy version although I have nothing against Patrick Stewart). He told me to make a list in my mind of every X-men superhero I could draw strength from and look up to. He told me with each one to really invision them and think of examples of moments where they showed that strength. So as the music started intensifying in my ears and the dentist started to drill, I went to work.

1. Mystique - for not being afraid to be herself
   
2. Magneto - for his passion in standing up for what he believes in (even if his views are sometimes in the wrong)
   
3. Beast - for accepting what has been done to him and moving forward with a positive light
   
4. Wolverine - despite having sass and a temper, he always puts those he loves first
   
5. Nightcrawler - for always holding true to his faith
   
6. Deadpool - HE'S A FREAKIN CANCER SURVIVOR AND KICKS BUTT!
   
7. Professor X - for overcoming his fears in order to do the right thing and going above and beyond to help others like himself
   

Those are just a few of the ones I listed. My list went so long that by the time I finished I was told the procedure was over and I could get ready to go. When I left and got in my car I finally realized...this could be my way with coping. With the hundreds of soundtracks I have on my ipod, anytime I grow fearful of something, I can draw on strength of my heroes/favorite characters and it will be a lingering distraction and a way to cope with my fear. I don't need a happy place to run away from my problems...what I need are people I can look up to in order to face these difficult times that are approaching. I got this!