Numb

I knew something was wrong when I ran into my chemo nurse, and she gave me a hug and hinted at getting me impossible Hamilton tickets. I had an appointment with my oncologist to discuss the results of my PET scan. I told him I didn't want to hear anything through email or over the phone and would wait until I see him in person. I went into this appointment already expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I just wasn't really prepared to actually hear it being said to me.

Excuse me if I sound very blunt. I'm still very numb and recalling what happened makes me want to burst into tears, but it's an important chapter to this adventure and I figured I'd document it here. So after waiting a good long while, my doc comes in and broke the news as gently as one could. He said the treatment didn't work and we are looking at an incurable cancer. The cancer only progressed and even started attacking my bones. My only option is clinical trials at NIH and there are no statistics. I'm in a grey area where I don't know what will happen and how long I have anymore.

As I was hearing all these details of how my odds are low and that this treatment is solely to prolong however long my life may be, I started to drift into my infamous daydreams. I thought to myself that this is kind of like going into a duel. You are facing the end of a gun just a few feet away. You don't know if it will hit or miss. You don't know if you will die slowly, instantly, or escape it all completely intact. It's a risk and once the gun is loaded there's really no going back. I've heard the gun click and bracing for the worst and possibly the unknown. You start to wonder how people will take the news or what legacy you leave behind. But you can't show it...you can't be a coward and run away.

That is the best way I can describe to you how I felt and how I'm still taking the news. Apparently I'm a walking contradiction since I look and feel ok despite the increase in cancer. My doc says that I'm in the best shape to be going into this clinical trial so there is still some hope and I'm not giving up. I will fight this to the bitter end.

But facing ones mortality is truly a struggle that I'm still trying to understand. I feel like I haven't done enough. I feel like I have so much more to do. I want to travel and meet people. I want to go back to school and step back on the stage someday. I am worried about my family and how they will cope with this news. I feel like I've made more mistakes than accomplishments. I don't feel like I've had a chance to make an impact and make a difference. I don't want fame but I want to feel like I succeeded in any of my dreams. God only knows I've been praying and praying and yet I'm given all this!! It makes no sense to me. It's not that I fear death but I fear the lack of what I leave behind.

It's just a lot to take in and the wound is still very fresh. As I said, I will keep on fighting...but I need your help. Please...whoever is reading this...say a little prayer. Not just for me but for my family. Say a prayer for those who are also dealing with horrible news like this as I am not the only one suffering. Say a prayer that one day we find a cure and that future families will never have to face something like this.