It Looks Like A Botched Execution

There is so much going through my mind lately that I've been having trouble writing this post. I've been so concerned with tests and surgery and all the while trying to keep my job and my sanity.

Lately I had a neck biopsy to determine what kind of lymphoma I'm dealing with. I arrived at Suburban Hospital with my dad and sister just ready to get it over with.

                                            (Not the best pic but yes I did get my haircut...LOVE IT!)

I had some difficulty with the IV due to my stupid anxiety but my sister was by my side the whole time and luckily they had a TV with a movie channel playing "Into the Woods" which I hadn't seen yet...so that kept me entertained a bit.

My CT scan came back just before the procedure and they found several enlarged lymph nodes in my chest which has been causing me slight breathing issues and coughing. The anesthesiologist was afraid of putting me under general anesthesia so she put me under a twilight version where I was sort of in a nap. I don't remember anything after going on the table in the OR. Next thing I know I wake up to graham crackers and apple juice which felt heavenly going down my throat as I hadn't eaten all day and it was 8pm. Apparently I had conversations with my sister about Jon Snow from Game of Thrones and The Tudors which made no sense but I have no recollection...too bad she didn't get a video. My ENT surgeon was great and gave me pain killers but left me with this HUGE scar on my neck that looks as though someone tried to behead me but got distracted half way through because of tea time.

                                                     (An accurate representation I'm sure...lol!)

There was no band-aid, just some stitches on the inside and surgical glue on the outside...leaving my neck totally stiff for the last several days. I can move it a lot more easily now but still have difficulty hugging people and turning all the way to the left.

Then after the surgery we get a call from the oncologist...she wants me to have a bone marrow biopsy. Now this is something I had a feeling was going to happen and was dreading the thought even more than surgery. I had done research on it before and everything pointed to pain and discomfort.

 Luckily a few days later my oncologist made a change of plans and decided to refer me to radiology for the procedure so they can put me under twilight again so I don't remember anything and I won't feel any pain. I'll probably be so loopy afterward. Maybe I can get a video of the after effects. lol!

But in the meantime I've been trying to maintain a normal life...which isn't easy. Some people at my work are questioning why I've been taking so many days off for these procedures and appointments. Then I have people give me really weird looks when they see the disturbing scar on my neck. I have people asking to see me but my energy is literally shot so bad that I've had to start drinking Boost beverages. Just the other day I sat down to watch the Princess Diaries on TV only to find myself waking up 10 minutes before it ended...it's like I have no control on when my body decides to shut down for a nap. It's so frustrating!!!

Anyway I didn't want this blogpost to sound all ranty but this is basically what has happened in the last week. Now I'll have a PET scan and a bone marrow biopsy to look forward to which I'm sure I'll post for each. Until then I'll leave you with a link to a song that is basically my theme through all of this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVxon65u3tA

Barium...not Berry-yum

So yesterday I went in for my CT scan and before that, you are required to drink two (large) bottles of Barium...which look like this:

And ultimately makes you want to go like this at the end of the whole ordeal:

So anyway, I decided to do a video blog about my Barium experience and here it is! Enjoy!

Camera died at the end but what I meant to say was "See ya all next time on Maddie Takes On Nasty Medicine"....until next time!!!

The Shock

It's been about two years since my last blogpost and I haven't really had any sort of reason to either resume or start up a new blog...until now. You know how after having such a rough year, you find the pieces falling back into place in your life and you think "FINALLY...I can breathe again". Well I truly wish that was the case here. This is my story...my journey with cancer. Now I don't want this to be some sad and depressing story...no...I'm going to fight this battle but at the same time I'm going to remain upbeat and positive. I'll be documenting my best and my worst moments with some flare on the side...cause who doesn't love a little humor and sarcasm? So let's get this show on the road then.

 2015 was proving to be quite an impressive year for me. I went into it with two part time jobs and by the time spring rolled around I was already tackling my first full time position at M&T Bank. I had already lost 20 pounds since October so I was feeling really accomplished. And I had started making plans to go back to school in the fall to major in music with an emphasis in vocals. Things were really looking up and for the first time in a while I noticed my stress going down and finding I was generally happy.

But all good things must come to an end, I suppose...this one just happened to be sooner than later.
The month of May came along and just into the first week I happened to run my hand along my neck to find that one side had this lump that I never felt before. What was scary was I couldn't really tell how long it had been there. So I made an appointment with the doctor and she checked it out but couldn't tell what it was without imaging. I didn't want to jump to conclusions as there were so many different causes for a mass...a cyst, and inflamed lymph node, an infection...etc. So I went to an ultrasound only to be told what I already knew...I have a mass in my neck. Thank you Captain Obvious....I thought "what a waste of my time"...

Then the doctor scheduled me for my first MRI and oh my god I never want to do that again. They hooked me to an IV with this fluorescent stuff to make problems show up on the image. All the while I'm in this tube like machine with obnoxiously loud noises for approximately 40 minutes trying so hard to remain still (which is really difficult to do if you have eczema by the way). Horrid experience, truly.

A few days passed by and I thought "well I haven't heard anything yet so all must be ok"...until May 19th rolled in. It was just a usual work day at the Gaithersburg bank branch I was assigned to. I was happy because it was such a lovely day and I felt good. 11:00 struck when my doctor called my cell phone. I ran to the break room to answer...I wouldn't be coming out the happy woman that I was. Instead the moment she said the word Lymphoma I just broke down.

I knew it was one of the possibilities but I just never thought it could really happen to me. 22 years old and with cancer. I immediately called my mom afterwards to let her know I was coming home and why. I couldn't think or say anything otherwise but cry. So with the bank manager's willing permission, I left there trying to hold it all in as I drove home...only to fall to pieces in my mother's arms on the front porch.

Now there are still a lot of unanswered questions that couldn't be answered through the MRI...what type of Lymphoma, what stage, are there any other parts of my body affected...etc. Right now I'm scheduled for a CT scan of my chest and abdomen tomorrow and then my first meeting with an oncologist to set up a biopsy of my neck to figure all this out. Eventually further down the line, I'll have to get chemo and possibly radiation (just depends on the results). I'm not gonna lie I'm scared...but I know I can do this. I'm a fighter. I'm a survivor. And I have so much support from my friends and family that I would like to take this moment to thank you all so much.

So let's make the best of this horrid moment and make this a journey. It will have obstacles and mountains to climb. But I won't be alone. Let's do this! Cancer...you've been warned. I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT!!!!!!

Until my next post...which should contain pictures and possibly mini vlogs.

"You got to hold on, hold on, You gotta hold on. Take my hand, standing right here, you gotta hold on." -Tom Waits