Instead of really celebrating my PET scan results, I found my mind plagued by the thoughts and worries of what is to come and how my odds are beyond scary. My anxiety and depression were starting to take a serious toll on me. When people were smiling and celebrating my news, I tried my best to enjoy it as well, but instead, I found myself distracted looking too far into the future instead of one day at a time. People compliment me on my hair and how it's growing back, but instead of appreciating the compliment I would feel detached and think to myself, "I'm just going to lose it all again during the transplant." I was in a very dark place. Everything became robotic going to chemo, sleeping it off, and waiting for the next appointment. I started to lose interest in activities and found my feelings of isolation worsen when more and more friends started moving away.
Then, out of nowhere, a very good family friend of mine offered to take me on her family vacation to the turquoise waters of the Caribbean. Despite my anxiety about what others might think of this and feelings of not deserving such a blessing, I decided to take a leap of faith and go. Looking back on it, I am so grateful for the wonderful opportunity because I truly believed it saved my sanity. Spending a whole week with fun loving people, no worries, and surrounded by beautiful sites and adventures...I was able to heal. I went horseback riding on the beach, snorkeling in the beautiful waters and sailing for the first time. I even marked off my bucket list relaxing in a hammock by the beach under the stars. It was truly a piece of paradise.
When I returned I had a sense of calm for a few days and still felt like it had all been a dream. But when chemo came around, I was truly dreading every moment. The entire ride to the infusion center felt like I had a giant rain cloud over my head. I wasn't ready to return to this nightmare and needed to find a motivation to get me through. So after a couple weeks of being back, I decided to visit my grandmother in South Carolina and spend some quality time with her during my off week of chemo. While I was there I learned a bit about my family and got to see my Aunt and cousins who also live down there. I even met up with one of my high school friends who went to school down in Charleston and spent an afternoon with her. Not only that, I spent the sunny days of my stay by the beach again.
Since I was little I've always been a fan of the woods and mountains, but ever since this whole cancer situation started 2 years ago, I've found that the beach is the best place to breathe. Something about the sound of the waves and the smell of the salt water...or digging your feet into the sand and soaking in the sun...or walking along the creeping waters for miles listening to music with the waves crashing in the background...it's very therapeutic. One day while I was at the beach, I found myself recalling a quote I read several years ago. "Strength isn't something you have; it's something you find." I was on the quest to find my strength to continue.
For the last two years, my body has been trying to kill me. Physically and mentally it has tried to bring me down and put me in the ground. But for two years I have continued to fight and persevere to stay alive...but what was it that kept me going? One morning I decided to wake up early to see the sunrise on the beach (since I never see the sunrise as I'm normally a night owl).
So as I looked out at the horizon that morning I found my answer. I keep moving forward because I have the motivation of my friends and family. I also have my ambition to live and to leave a legacy behind. And as I looked at the sky filled with so much color, I recalled how beautiful life is and I have the desire to see more of it, if I can help it. Surviving everything so far has only made me stronger...I can only imagine what I might think this time next year.
So when I returned home the other day, I not only had the motivation to write more again but to continue to fight to stay alive. I just needed to clear my mind, refocus on the now, and to only prepare for what lies ahead. I might still be afraid but I know I don't really have control on the outcome...just that I have to fight to get there. Besides, worrying means you have to suffer twice. I may have to be realistic, but I also have to remain hopeful that I can beat the odds and survive. It's all in the mind. And as Arcade Fire once sang...my body is a cage but my mind holds the key.
