Day 2,074 - Learning to (Not) Be Silent

 When I was in my sophomore year in high school, I decided to take a leap of faith and pursue a passion of mine by trying out for the drama club for the first time. I auditioned for the spring musical Footloose, and although I gave it my all, I didn't quite have high expectations. Sophomores typically don't get major roles as those are typically reserved for the seniors in the drama club. However, to everyone's surprise, I landed the role of Vi Moore (the preacher's wife) with lines and musical numbers, including my own solo. I was welcomed into the drama club with open arms, and my time with the Midnight Players marks one of the best moments of my life. I made so many friends and felt so much love and energy that I would stay in the auditorium practicing dance moves until it got dark outside. 

Yes that is me on the right...don't I look thrilled? lol! Seriously, this musical was so much fun though!

I know what you must be thinking...why am I reminiscing about the "good ol' days" of high school? Well, when I played this particular character in this musical, I had a trio number called "Learning to be Silent." In the song, I talk about how I want to hold my tongue and avoid conflict by staying out of arguments and keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself so as not to upset anyone. Now, "high-school-me" couldn't understand for the life of her what that really meant. I was that obnoxious loudmouth who always had something to say and loved chiming into arguments that were about subjects I was passionate about. Even in the classroom growing up, I was called the "Hermione Granger" of my history class because I insisted on correcting my teachers when they mispronounced European names like Lafayette or Alexei. I was chatting and giggling up a storm if I wasn't singing backstage. This teenage version of me felt too comfortable to hold anything back. Learning to be silent felt like a skill I would never achieve...until the reaper started knocking on my door. 

From the moment I graduated high school until recently, I slowly began hiding more and more of my true self. Especially after receiving a death sentence, not once but twice from medical professionals, I saw life slipping away. I felt like cancer, in particular, snatched too much from me that I had very little to hold onto anymore. I lost my hair, my fertility, my confidence, my identity, and almost my future. Despite that, I felt like I needed to internalize a lot of this struggle because I saw the impact it had on the people I love. I lost people who used to be so close to me for years simply because they couldn't handle the problem I had no control over. I also felt like I was a constant burden whenever I spoke up and expressed what was on my mind; I still feel that way sometimes. 

However, in the last couple of years, I've really been working towards tearing down the mental walls I've built over a decade. It's been a work in progress to open up again and develop that trust with others, and it's part of the reason I decided to hop back on to my blog. It's not only a great outlet, but it helps put out a message for anyone else who might be going through something similar. Whether they were just diagnosed, in treatment, or post-treatment...this blog is here to say, "I see you, and you're not alone in this fight."

When I looked back on old posts in my blog, I realized that for almost the entire first year of my cancer ordeal, I didn't post anything. This was because I was confident that it would just be a blip in my timeline and that life would just go back to normal...even though "normal" is not really a thing one can ever really achieve after a diagnosis, unfortunately. I'm a bit bummed that I left out so much valuable information regarding those early days. So, I will make it a mission for the upcoming blog posts to reflect and give insight into those early days. I'll keep it light, bubbly, and fun while being authentic and informative regarding my experiences. And to welcome this new era of my blog, I decided to do something incredibly daring. I can't talk about it yet, but once all the beans have spilled, I'll share the news with you all in a new post!! So until then...I hope you all are having a lovely turkey holiday if you celebrate it!