Day 14 - I Just Want To Sleep

It's been 10 days since my last post...and I've been struggling with how to follow up on my blog. Part of me feels it's too soon to say anything after the loss of Needa, but another part of me feels like there is never really going to be a right time...so I might as well give it a go. I'm struggling to just come up with the words to simply explain how I'm feeling because I don't feel like myself. Lately, I feel pressured to not let myself be anything but positive and optimistic. Emotionally, I've been rather numb since my last post. I haven't allowed myself to truly grieve and by doing so I wake up every morning trying to convince myself that it actually happened. My friend is gone and there isn't anything I can do to change that. I'm stuck in the acceptance stage of grief and will probably remain there until I come home. Until then, I can't afford to dwell on the issue.

Every day since then has been a serious challenge for me physically as well. My blood counts dropped to almost undetectable levels and my energy is completely gone. Simply putting on a shirt in the morning is enough to make me feel like I ran a mile. It got to the point where I had to accept the fact that I couldn't make the walk across the street and had to take a wheelchair to my appointments for two days. All I want to do is sleep...and I could if it weren't for the early morning appointments or the several different pills I take around the clock. I now live vicariously through the 10 alarm clocks I have set on my phone that tell me when to eat, when to take a pill, and when to sleep. It's insane.

The only joy I really get is seeing my caregivers rotating in and out. With every new face is a new adventure and a closer step to the finish line. I even got a little taste of that today when I went in for my appointment this morning and my blood tests showed a tiny increase in my counts. Despite it being a small victory, I was told that I could stop taking two of the pills I've been taking. What a relief!! Finally, I'm seeing some progress and a good indicator that everything is going as planned!

The only thing I need to look out for now is bone pain from the daily Neupogen shots I'm getting (same ones I had with the ICE chemo earlier this year)...which I have prepared for with a stash of oxycodone; thank God for pain meds! I also have to start keeping an eye out for any signs of GVHD which will most likely be starting at around Day 30-40. I'll probably talk more about that when the time comes. So stay tuned for more updates!!

Day 4 - Needa

I hesitated writing this blogpost simply because I'm struggling to find the words to talk about my dear friend Needa. But after sleeping on it, and realizing that the [metaphorical] lump in my throat isn't going away, I decided to dedicate a blogpost to her.

I met Needa at one of the lowest moments of my life. I had just found a new lump on my neck right after Christmas 2016 and I eagerly looked forward to attending my bi-weekly cancer support group at the start of the new year. It was obvious that the 3rd chemo I tried didn't work and I was starting to run low on options. So I went to support group on January 12 with a very heavy heart...but because Needa entered my life that day, I left my group with a friend.

Needa had triple negative breast cancer, a rare and aggressive form, but she could have easily fooled anyone. Not just because of her AMAZING wigs, but because she had the best attitude about it. She lit up the support group session with her infectious humour and her never-ending love for everyone there. She used to make fun of certain (non-cancer) aches and pains she was experiencing such as chin cancer when she hurt her chin or ankle cancer when she would twist it. I remember during that session I felt like my life was slipping away because everyone around me was getting married, graduating, moving on with their lives, etc. But Needa pulled me aside after group and made me realize that just because I have limitations with this cancer, doesn't mean I have to surrender anything to it. She pointed out that I fought for fertility treatment to preserve the possibility for a future family. She said, "Why stop there, Maddie? Fuck cancer! You've gotta live your life!" and then she asked if we could hang out sometime soon. It was the first friend I had made in support group who was single like me and knew the ropes that I was having to climb socially.

Sadly there were only two times she and I actually hung out (outside of group) due to our schedules this last year. The first was when our dear friend from group, Katie, arranged to have some of us go out and party in Rockville. Since I didn't have a mode of transportation there and back, Katie took me there and Needa drove me home. I remember laughing everytime we entered a wooded area or passed a farm because Needa kept saying "Geez Maddie! Where the hell do you live??" It was a long drive with no talk of cancer, but instead full of fun and laughter. That night, I didn't even feel like a cancer patient...I felt like me...because of her.

From that day on, I felt like I could go to her for advice on anything. We had a bond. Like the older sister I never had. She taught me so much about confidence and inspired me every time I saw her. Whenever I was low, she raised me up. A year after I met her, this past January, I was in the hospital for my final chemo. She came out to visit me and gave me a little present; Deadpool socks and a bag of Cheetos (she LOVED Cheetos). She was going to take me home when I was discharged (as were the instructions from the nurse)...but after grabbing my bags and running out of the hospital we hopped in her car and she smuggled me into our support group last minute. It's one of my greatest memories because she made me feel like my age and not my cancer. It also ended up being the last time I ever saw her.

Shortly after that, I found out that my chemo worked and I was preparing for a bone marrow transplant. All the while, I found out that Needa received the lower end of the stick. Her cancer came back, this time in the lungs, and she got pneumonia. While my health got stronger her's declined. Even after I messaged her to keep her head up as she tried to do radiation and chemo all over again, she was still rooting me on and promised to take me to the next Deadpool movie when I got out of transplant in May. But yesterday, I found out it will never happen. As Katie pulled up to my apartment in Baltimore to caregive for me, we both got the news that Needa passed away due to respiratory failure. We stood hugging on the sidewalk, crying in each other's arms. It didn't feel real. It still doesn't.

I almost wanted to deny it. How could someone so pure and full of joy be taken so quickly like that? She had her whole life ahead of her. My sadness quickly turned to anger. I realized this battle was actually a war and this cursed beast called cancer has claimed the soul of one of the strongest fighters I have ever known. Cancer doesn't discriminate...it feeds on the innocent and feasts on the best of us. And if there was one thing Needa taught me best, it was to never let cancer cast a shadow on your life. Live your life as best you can...have as much fun as you can....laugh....and be proud of the life you lead. She taught me to accept my life with its flaws but to see the beauty and potential there is. She gave me hope.

Needa, I only knew you for little over a year but I feel like I knew you a lifetime. That's how I know you were a good friend. And for your sake, I hope I can fight my own cancer back so I can live to see the day when this cursed beast finds its downfall. I hope to see justice for you. And yet...part of me still hopes that this is all just a nightmare and that I will wake up from it, see you standing by the door with the car keys to say "well...are you ready to go to support group?" ....Rest easy girlfriend, and know I'll never EVER forget you.