I had just finished watching the season premiere of Game Of Thrones and now it was time for my third stabbing with daily injections...and even though I had already done it to myself the past two days prior, I couldn't manage to get the strength to do it right then and there. It was like I was fighting with my mind. Part of me was like "Oh please! You did it before! You know it doesn't hurt besides a little pinch. What are you waiting for? Just do it and you can go to sleep" And then just when I thought I gathered myself and took some deep breaths, I'd go in for it and then just...stop. Then my mind would just freak and be like "OH HELL NO!!! Needles are pointy! Look at that 1 cm needle!!! You aren't actually gonna stick yourself, are you? It's gonna hurt and you know it!"....And then I'd end being so frustrated with myself that I'd have to prep my skin again, do the deep breathing and repeat...
I even had my sister try to calm me down, play some waltz music, and even feed me a piece of sugar-free hard candy to suck on during my attempts. Even my fingers started going numb from pinching my skin for so long. It took me an hour of absolute frustration to finally get the guts to do it. 5 seconds. Painless and quick! Then the moment I dumped the needle in the sharps bin...it happened. PANIC ATTACK!!!
Hyperventilating and dizziness quickly took over and I had to sit and talk myself out of it. Thankfully it didn't last very long and my sister was there to compose me so I could take the second shot. The whole time I felt a mix of guilt, fear, hopelessness, and tiredness. What was funny was that I spent about 45 minutes on the first needle but spent about 5 (including prep time) on the second. I felt like a total chicken but I couldn't explain why my brain acted the way it did that night until it dawned on me...I haven't been taking my anxiety meds and needles happen to be a major phobia for me...not to mention I'm the one doing them to myself.
There is such a stigma for people who have to deal with anxiety and depression and I truly wish people would finally learn that it isn't just something that they "get over". It sticks with them and it messes with them to the point where daily function can be interrupted. And even though I have a fear of needles, it doesn't normally bring me to the point of tears and hesitation...usually I just don't look as a nurse gets it over with and I'm fine. But it was something about doing it to myself and my brain not understanding that there really wasn't anything to be afraid of. It's scary experiencing these panic moments because your brain just shuts down. I know it was a panic attack too because the two previous nights were not anything like this. Perhaps it was adrenaline...who knows....but it truly was a nightmare.
So when I went in today for my monitoring appointment, I asked one of the nurses what her thoughts on the best thing to do is before a self injection to make sure you are calm and not worried about anything. And her response was just the most obvious response and I felt so incredibly stupid for not even thinking of it in the first place. She giggled a little and said "Just put an ice cube on it until the skin goes numb and then just do it!".......
....And right at that moment I could think of only two things....One, I'm an idiot...and Two, I know what I'm doing tonight!!!
UPDATE: The ice worked.
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