The Pointy End

There is a lot of preparation that goes into doing a Bone Marrow Transplant...one of which are daily injections. Now for the transplant, these don't happen until the 2 weeks leading up to being admitted into the hospital for a month. However, because the chemo that they will be using during the transplant is supposed to be SO INTENSE that it will completely wipe out not just my immunity but my fertility, they decided to give me the opportunity to seek out fertility preservation. Last year I decided to take my chances with the chemo and not do any fertility treatment since it's not covered by insurance and it's completely out of pocket. But cancer has already taking so much from me...my time, my hair, my immunity, etc....I didn't want it to take a giant chapter of my life that I had so looked forward to (motherhood). Of course I can always adopt, and I plan to...but I also wanted at least one child of mine.

So now I find myself, sitting at a desk with two syringes sitting right in front of me. Now people close to me will know I already have a giant fear of needles...they don't really hurt too bad anymore since after getting blood work practically every week last year made me immune to it...but the thought of something sharp and pointy entering my skin makes me VERY uneasy. And now not only do I have shots to do for the next few days, but I have to do them myself.

I did my first set last night after quite the adventure. The nurses at the fertility center said they all wanted to pitch in for my cause and covered my first four days of shots. They gave me these little boxes with the meds and I assumed I had everything I needed....HA!!! I opened the boxes last night when I felt prepared to begin my 10 days of shots....to find that I had everything BUT the syringes.

Now when dealing with fertility treatment, you are working on a time table...and the fact that I was rushing to get this done in a timely manner so I can start my immunotherapy on time made this a prime reason for a panic attack. It was already 9 pm on a Friday and I had no idea what to do. I had to call the emergency nurse line because if I didn't get these drugs in last night then I would be off my schedule which could easily ruin everything. Thankfully the people at this clinic are all super angels and this nurse who I spoke with was willing to meet me half way where she was, so she could deliver my syringes. I could breathe.

So I drive across town to meet up with her and we decided to meet outside of a Panera that just closed for the night. It was really kind of sketchy meeting up with someone I don't know for needles....but they came through and I raced back home so I could stab myself in the gut. I get home open up the bag of "goodies" that my nurse gave me to find that not only did she give me syringes but also provided me with another sharps bin, some alcohol swabs, and a little cheat sheet on what to do. I felt so loved...lol!

So with my mother sitting by me, I prepped my first injection. I had taken an injection class 3 days prior to this but this would be the first time I would be injecting something into myself and not into a stress ball. I pinched an inch of my skin not far from my belly button and I think I counted to three about 20 times before I had the guts to really do it....I'm such a chicken. But seriously, I would normally look away at shots being given...but when you're the one doing it, you have to watch or else you could stab yourself in the hand...which I did not want to risk.

So the first one was done and the moment I took the needle out I was in a complete state of shock. Shortly afterward I started prepping the second. This time it was one of those pen injections (like an epipen). This was was easy as all I had to do was put it in and press the button. This time I think I was pinching my skin so hard out of shock from the last shot that I didn't even feel it at all. For the next hour I would be saying "I can't believe I just did that" over and over...and only the leftover chocolate cake in the kitchen would be able to calm my nerves enough to let me go to sleep that night.

Now it's the next day I get to look forward to doing that ALL OVER AGAIN!!! Woo! Luckily Outlander is on tonight so I'll have a slight distraction from the anxiety.

But yeah...that's my lovely needle story...only 9 more days of this torture for what is a pretty good cause, in my opinion.