Day 14 - I Just Want To Sleep

It's been 10 days since my last post...and I've been struggling with how to follow up on my blog. Part of me feels it's too soon to say anything after the loss of Needa, but another part of me feels like there is never really going to be a right time...so I might as well give it a go. I'm struggling to just come up with the words to simply explain how I'm feeling because I don't feel like myself. Lately, I feel pressured to not let myself be anything but positive and optimistic. Emotionally, I've been rather numb since my last post. I haven't allowed myself to truly grieve and by doing so I wake up every morning trying to convince myself that it actually happened. My friend is gone and there isn't anything I can do to change that. I'm stuck in the acceptance stage of grief and will probably remain there until I come home. Until then, I can't afford to dwell on the issue.

Every day since then has been a serious challenge for me physically as well. My blood counts dropped to almost undetectable levels and my energy is completely gone. Simply putting on a shirt in the morning is enough to make me feel like I ran a mile. It got to the point where I had to accept the fact that I couldn't make the walk across the street and had to take a wheelchair to my appointments for two days. All I want to do is sleep...and I could if it weren't for the early morning appointments or the several different pills I take around the clock. I now live vicariously through the 10 alarm clocks I have set on my phone that tell me when to eat, when to take a pill, and when to sleep. It's insane.

The only joy I really get is seeing my caregivers rotating in and out. With every new face is a new adventure and a closer step to the finish line. I even got a little taste of that today when I went in for my appointment this morning and my blood tests showed a tiny increase in my counts. Despite it being a small victory, I was told that I could stop taking two of the pills I've been taking. What a relief!! Finally, I'm seeing some progress and a good indicator that everything is going as planned!

The only thing I need to look out for now is bone pain from the daily Neupogen shots I'm getting (same ones I had with the ICE chemo earlier this year)...which I have prepared for with a stash of oxycodone; thank God for pain meds! I also have to start keeping an eye out for any signs of GVHD which will most likely be starting at around Day 30-40. I'll probably talk more about that when the time comes. So stay tuned for more updates!!