Now I know some people will read that be like, "But Maddie, you went to the beach," or "What about when you traveled to South Carolina?"...yes, I've taken days off here and there for activities, and yes I've traveled to visit family. However, every time in the past three years that I've "taken a vacation," I never truly allowed my mind to stop worrying. In fact, I would find myself getting even more stressed thinking about how I was wasting precious time and worrying about how had all these things I still have/want to do. I'd come home even more tense than I did when I left. Except, this time was gonna be different.
At the beginning of the year, I was trying to look for any young adult cancer support groups or activities that were held outside of a virtual platform. I wanted to meet new people in a non-judgemental space, and I was determined to find an inexpensive getaway from all the day-to-day craziness. Then one day, I came upon the website for YASU (Young Adult Survivors United). I found a plethora of resources and events, one of which led to a registration page for the Young Adult Cancer Camp held just outside of Pittsburgh. There were promo pictures/videos of people in their 20s and 30s smiling, going down slip 'n' slides, and participating in a writing workshop. I was sold, and instantly, I sent in my registration form.
Fast forward to August 31st, I left my morning class on campus, hopped into the car that I had pre-packed the night before, and set off down the road for Pennsylvania. All the way there, I was listening (and singing along) to showtunes in the car when "Something's Coming" from West Side Story started to play. Memories from when I was a kid driving up to Pittsburgh to visit relatives with my dad started bouncing around in my mind. The anticipation I felt driving up for camp felt like the anticipation I felt back then, knowing a lot of fun was coming my way. With a smile, I started singing along..." The airrrr is humminnnn', and something greaaaat is comin'." Something great most certainly was!
After about four hours, very little traffic, and a couple pit stops along the way, I eventually turned off onto a dirt road with a Christmas tree farm on the left-hand side. The trees were so tiny but also incredibly misleading since, further along the road, I eventually found myself in a tunnel of very tall trees. Everything was so green, and pulling my window down, I took in the fresh air. Eventually, the dirt road pulled up to a big open space with the main lodge in sight. I parked up by the entrance to what would be the dining hall and was immediately greeted by the camp counselors whom I'd never met before. They gave me a bag with some cancer survivor goodies and a schedule of activities for the next three days before pointing me in the direction of Harbison Lodge, where I would be staying with half of the girls attending. I hopped back in the car so I could unload and unpack while everyone was already gathering for an early dinner. Harbison sat quietly on top of a small slope cloaked by tall trees. I parked next to one of the campers here who happened to have the same bumper sticker as me...Already I had a good feeling about this place.
I walked into a big common room area that looked so cozy with comfy sofas perfect to curl up and read a book in; this was my fallback plan should it rain during my stay, which, thankfully, it did not. My dorm was all the way at the end of the hall, with the walls lined with four sets of bunk beds with only the top beds unclaimed. I picked the one closest to the window that had the best view of the greenery just outside.
Once I settled in and freshened up a little, I grabbed my bag and made my way back to the dining hall. Almost 100 people filled the space! I grabbed some food and signed up for a majority of the activities before the icebreakers began. We split everyone up into two groups and repositioned the chairs and tables so that we all sat in two big circles. One by one, we introduced ourselves and stated our cancer diagnosis. I sat there with wild emotions...I had never found myself surrounded by SO many people my age who had been in my shoes before. One of the girls stated she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and in my head, I was like, "OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO TALK TO THEM!"
Until that day, I never got to meet anyone who had Hodgkin's Lymphoma despite it being one of the more common cancers in people 20-25 years old. But then...a second person stated they had Hodgkins as well, and I was totally freaking out on the inside. Where had these people been for the last 8 years?!? (I should mention that half the people attending were not very far out from active treatment and, therefore, would have been diagnosed years after me.)
A moment later, my jaw would drop after a third Hodgkins case was announced. Out of everyone attending, a good handful of us were Hodgkin's Lymphoma survivors. I was blown away.
After making this discovery, we dispersed, and I made a mad dash back up the hill to my lodge to grab my Unus Annus hoodie in case it got chilly. Just as the sun was starting to set, we all met up behind the dining hall, where a roaring campfire was already burning bright, hidden by a wall of trees and in front of a stone platform. Some of the girls were already cooking up smores, and I chatted with a few who weren't in my icebreaker circle earlier. With our stomachs full, we all started to drift back up towards our assigned lodges for the night, with only the full moon lighting our way. I took my time walking back, and in the middle of a clearing, I chose to stop and look up at the night sky. It had been such a long time since I had seen that many stars out.
It was at that moment, while gazing at the stars, that I decided to make a solitary goal for myself. I wanted to use the opportunity of being at camp to embrace the theme of letting go. I wanted to use this time to have fun and relax rather than worry about anything beyond those three days. I told myself to forget about work and that my coworkers would survive without me for a few days. I was not going to allow myself to worry about my college classes since clearing my mind of that anxiety would be beneficial for my grades in the long run. I tuned out of various social media platforms for the most part so as not to be provoked by politics and drama. If I caught myself thinking about anything stress-inducing, I would just remind myself to breathe. This silent vow I made turned out to be the key to unlocking this much-needed vacation.
The next morning, I wasn't surprised at all to find that I accidentally slept in, considering I stayed up late writing in my journal and chatting with some of the girls before actually going to sleep. Ultimately, I missed breakfast, as well as the first activity that I signed up for, the guided hike. I was the only one who hadn't gotten out of bed. Looking at my watch, I found out that I not only forgot to set my alarm but only had 10% battery remaining. I wasn't even upset to find that I left the charger at home on accident because who needs to worry about the time when my single objective was to just be in the present moment, right? Scrambling out of my bunk, I quickly got ready for the day, grabbed my camp bag, and made my way to a writing workshop I signed up for and refused to skip out on.
I grabbed a seat just as everyone eagerly flowed into the room from their first morning activities. The long tables were positioned in a giant square, and at each chair was a brand-new guided writing journal. During this workshop, I could sense the energy in the room was full of deep emotions as people wrote about dark and painful memories, while at the same time, the atmosphere was also brimming with love and support towards one another. As volunteers read aloud some of the things they wrote, many of us were nodding our heads in agreement and empathy. Toward the end of the workshop, I felt encouraged to share what I wrote for one of the writing prompts, which I wanted to share with you all here.
The prompt: What is something you can do for yourself today that will bring you joy?
My response:
Breathe
Look and cherish the beauty all around you
Live in the moment and notice the little things
Listen, and not just to the words you or others speak
Welcome the feelings with no shame
Allow yourself to let go of the past
Discover and try something new
Eat good food in good company
Go for a swim and float with a peaceful mind
Take a long walk and admire the stars
Journal before the lights go out
But first and foremost, remember...
Breathe
It was a simple response that ended up inspiring and encouraging those in the room with me. I left the workshop feeling even more at peace but also motivated. By the last day at camp, I was proud of myself for having fulfilled a lot of what was on this list. Over the course of this getaway, I rediscovered some of my passions and hidden talents, like archery (even a week later, I still have the bruises to prove it).
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I went swimming twice, went down a slip 'n' slide for the first time in years, tie-dyed, and did a water aerobics class for the first time (because who wouldn't want to dance around with pool noodles while jamming out to Nicki Minaj's "Starships" surrounded by a bunch of cancer survivors with dark humor). I made so many new friends who all swore that they would return next year (I'm personally holding the Lymphomies to that promise). The weather was perfect during my stay, and the food was fresh, healthy, and delicious. On the second night, a bunch of us stayed up late playing board games and card games. There were moments on this trip where I felt like a kid again, and although I had only known the other campers for a couple days, I felt comfortable opening up and talking about my story multiple times. It was an incredibly healing experience.
I left camp feeling so rejuvenated and energized, so much so that I made a few spontaneous stops along the way home. First, I stopped by the cemetery to visit my Dad's grave before swinging by his hometown of Glassport. This town was admittedly a bit run down and had changed drastically since my childhood days when I would go up to visit my grandparents/relatives in the summer. Despite that, I revisited all the old destinations and grabbed some food to go from the diner my grandfather frequented. Half the workers there recognized me instantly as "Joey's kid," and I took some time talking to each worker while looking at old pictures of my dad and grandfather. On my way out, I swore I'd come back again soon. Then a few more miles down the road, I decided to veer right to check out Fort Necessity, spending an hour out there before hitting the road again (It's not a proper road trip for me unless I find something historical about it).
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This truly felt like a long overdue vacation despite it lasting less than a week. Sure, I came back tired/sleepy, but overall I felt less tense or stressed. Instead, I feel motivated and empowered going into this new semester of classes......And speaking of which, I should probably get back to my studies.
If you are a cancer survivor, I highly recommend checking out YASU's Young Adult Cancer Camp next year. And if you aren't a survivor but know someone who is, please spread the word, as it is open to young adult survivors from anywhere in the US or Canada! YASU also offers online resources, hosts support groups and healing workshops, and holds events like this throughout the year. I also encourage anyone who is feeling generous to donate to this non-profit organization, and I'll leave the link to their webpage here: https://yasurvivors.org/
And remember...
"read was so great"......will be anxiously next one!
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