Nothing Equals Hope

Just thought I'd pop on real quick with a bit of an update. So after that horrific nightmare, which I desperately tried to describe in my last post, my doctor decided that he was going to modify my chemo treatment. Instead of doing the standard 3 drug sequence, he was going to remove the third drug (the one that I had an extreme allergic reaction to) and just continue with the other two. I felt somewhat comforted knowing that I could continue with this chemo regimen with two drugs that I know my body could withstand, instead of switching to drastic radiation therapy. But I literally spent the entire rest of the week frequently looking at my arms and hands to make sure they didn't turn purple again. I was most definitely traumatized.

Not only was I still getting over what had happened, my hormone levels were all over the place due to the shot I got earlier that week. It didn't take very long for it to kick in...I was having panic attacks left and right and crying at the most petty things. My anxiety was so high I didn't want to be alone in the house and was an emotional wreck when we got a snowstorm and I was stuck inside for a few days. Though looking back on this week, a lot of it feels like a blur. All I know is that my body was so overwhelmed with stress that I slept A LOT following that chemo appointment.

Before I knew it, I was walking back into the doctors for the second dose of chemo this past Friday...one week after the incident. I was dreading every minute getting there, but to my amusement, this was one of the most easiest and quickest chemo treatments I've ever had. My nurse and I were talking about what had happened during my previous allergic reaction. It was so severe it actual scared her quite a bit. It was at that moment that I just started giggling. I told her there's not much to do about the situation but laugh at it. Sure it was the scariest thing that had happened to me and my vital signs were approaching cardiac arrest levels, but there's nothing that can be done about it now. It happened and hopefully never will again. All I can do is laugh at how insane it is that despite everything my body has gone through these past two years, it's still pushing forward.

Now I have two more chemo appointments and then I go in for my PET scan to see if there is any response. Normally I wouldn't really anticipate anything with this scan, as I've never had good news come from one. However, just the other day I was driving home from a mini reunion with a few high school friends, and as I was leaving I put my hand to my neck and noticed nothing. Nothing. A spot where there was normally a firm lump...I couldn't feel anything. I went to check the marbled lump that formed on my collar bone a few months ago and noticed that too was significantly smaller. I don't want to get my hopes up for anything, especially since I've been prone to bad news. Maybe it's too soon to say anything...maybe it's all in my head....but I'm actually feeling a bit confident about this chemo regimen. A feeling I haven't felt for a while now...hope.

So say a little prayer that perhaps I may have found an temporary answer leading up to a potential remission! I am not going to stop fighting...even if it kills me. Life is too beautiful to let go of.