Wait For It

Well the results are back folks!!! 

I got an email from my oncologist at 11pm last night saying the pathology came back...and we're looking at the same Hogkin's Lymphoma which means...NO HYBRID!!!!

This is brilliant news because at least we know what we're working against and the outlook seems mostly clear. Considering I had taken an entire month to do my fertility treatment, there is the likely possibility that these new progressions actually formed during that time. So my oncologist sent my pathology report to a specialist at NCI for a second opinion...during which time I'm going to continue my immunotherapy treatment one more round. Then I repeat the PET scan next month to see if there is any decrease. I'm so relieved because if there is a decrease then I'll hopefully be in remission by the end of the year and start on the new chapter of this journey...the bone marrow transplant. Although that chapter is scary to think about, I'll be happy to get it done and over with so I can move on with my life.

As I've stated before in my blog, I'm kind of in this waiting cell as I'm fighting this curse. Everyone around me is going about moving on, forming families, achieving dreams, working, and going about life...and I'm on the sidelines watching. But as the character Aaron Burr in Hamilton states "If there's a reason I'm still alive...then I'm willing to wait for it"...if everything goes as planned and I'm in remission by the end of the year then I'll be one step closer to TRULY living again. Until then, I watch the hours pass while the list of things I want to do grows. I might feel very much alone and secluded right now as people in my life are moving away, but I know my time will come to move on and start a new, happier journey. I'm willing to wait and fight for that.

I'm beginning to realize why people call a bone marrow transplant a "rebirth". It's not because you have no hair or you have to build back your strength and immunity. It's because you are now relieved of the curse of cancer and can not only resume your life but start things over. I originally was majoring in theatre at college, but this cancer has put a GIANT perspective on life. I want to use my talents to help others who are in my current situation. If I am given the chance of a "rebirth" I will change my major to music therapy. It's not only a successful career option, compared to theatre, but it's something I would enjoy doing as I would be helping bring smiles to others in need.

There are also many other things I'm waiting to do. I want to go out and meet people. I want to travel and learn about the many worldly cultures. I want to try to make a difference with whatever I have left on this Earth. I want to eventually have a family of my own. All of these are things I'm willing to wait for. People say "patience is a virtue"...well cancer patients know that all too well. Whether it's waiting for a diagnosis, treatment to be done, or for that confirmation of remission...strength and patience are what we learn best from it all. And it's hard to come to terms with that especially when we feel weak, helpless, or alone...and that's why I form a list of reasons to keep fighting. Afterall...I'm the one thing in life I can control.

Inspiration I got for this post is from the amazing musical Hamilton...check out this beautiful song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReTP6x_sDiM