Day 1,981 - New Beginnings

 Hello, world...I'm back. 

Since my last post almost 5 years ago, there has been so much that has transpired in the world. We collectively spent two of those years in a global pandemic, political tensions, and a whole boatload of mind-numbing occurrences that would make anyone question whether or not they've entered an alternate universe.

However, during that time, I reached new milestones...chapters in my life that I never thought I'd live to see. I ended up on the Dean's List every semester, received my associate's degree, and graduated with honors in May 2020. I moved out of my childhood home again and transferred to the University of Maryland. I saw the band that inspired me to keep fighting through cancer, My Chemical Romance, get back together and see them perform live in concert, something I never thought in a million years I'd get to do. I saw friends get married, have kids, earn promotions, and travel. I also can say that as of March 20th this year, I made the five-year post-transplant mark. I'm officially in a state of remission. I made it. I survived.

This is cause for celebration, right? Well...

The fact of the matter is that the path to get here was one that contained a great deal of pain and hardship. Since receiving this second lease on life, I had to say goodbye to my pug and cat, who passed away in 2020, one month apart from each other, just after I transferred schools. I had to cope with the passing of good friends, including those within my support group. I even had to lay my father to rest last year. I say all this because the takeaway I had from these past five years is that while looking back it feels like dying was easier and living is harder...life still goes on regardless. It forces us to keep moving forward. So you either keep trucking forward, or you surrender to despair...and I almost did just that.

In 2020, at the very start of the pandemic, I attended my graduation on a virtual platform from my bedroom. Being in an almost constant state of quarantine as I waited for classes to start up again (this time at a new campus), I often found myself sitting alone with my thoughts. This made it all too easy to unlock the door in my mind that kept back the flood of cancer trauma. The problem is that once opened, it gets harder to close it back up without repercussions. Juggling the emotions with "normal" everyday life as an essential employee was like trying to scoop up the flood in a bucket, but there's only so much it can carry at a time.

Foolishly, I kept insisting to my peers who saw and pointed out the danger accumulating that I was fine. I knew very well that I wasn't, but I figured if I just distract myself with work or studies, then I'll be fine. So, while everyone was mandated to wear a mask in public, I was wearing two; one to prevent the spread of covid and the other to conceal the pain that worsened day by day. Eventually, there were close calls where I felt like I was drowning, and I was so tempted to just give up. Thankfully, I had a strong support system of friends who willingly pulled me out of these moments of distress. By the end of 2020, I finally took the initiative to seek help and reached out to a therapist, who has helped me confront the damages of this flood in a safe manner. In the end, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for everyone who stood by my side that year.

I bring this all up because I know what it's like to put on a brave face and pretend like everything is fine, only to suffer in silence when you're alone. I know what it's like to support and comfort everyone around you but pay little attention to your own needs and desires. I recognize just how important mental health is for not just those in active treatment but also those who are in remission. Whether your cancer struggle lasted 6 months or 3 years...it's still a moment in your life when the world gets flipped upside down. To not acknowledge the pain there and put off the necessary healing process, it can be just as lethal as the silent buildup of cancer cells taking over.

Fast forward to today, I gave an interview on my own cancer story when I realized just how impactful my story can be for others. I underwent things most cancer patients never have to face. I endured 3 years of various treatments and a risky bone marrow transplant. The knowledge that I've gained and the experiences I encountered might be worth the pain if it can benefit someone who is currently looking for a lifeline. I've noticed many young adult survivors try to give back to the cancer community by actively pursuing a career in the medical field. Others have also held fundraisers to benefit the advancement of treatment, while some advocate and promote legislation that will allow others to receive life-saving care. However, I know I don't need to be in the spotlight to make a difference. That is why I decided to revive this blog I started back in 2015 in the hopes that maybe it might reach at least one lonely soul and encourage them not to give up. I know when I was in the midst of my cancer ordeal, I wish I had found a kind of hope that I could relate with. I wish I could have heard from more young adult survivors who stood up against the near impossible odds and actually make it. I wish I could have been able to reach out and ask for advice when it came to issues that only young adult cancer patients face, like fertility, fashion, and dating. I want to try to be that lifeline for someone else.

So here marks the start of a new chapter. 

My name is Maddie. I'm 30 years old. I'm a full-time student and a full-time accountant. And I'm a cancer survivor warrior.