Crushed

I'm still at a loss for words after what happened this past week. I'm still trying to cope. I'm still grieving and still very bitter. My body is quite exhausted after all the stress I have taken on and everything I went through, that it's been a struggle every morning to get out of bed or even talk to friends and family members. I understand everyone is concerned and trying to find solutions for me....but at the moment I just need to breathe, gather my thoughts, and build myself up again. I feel like people are shoving things down my throat, telling me what to do and what not to do with my body...telling me I need to do this and that....criticizing me for doing this and not doing that. I'm not avoiding people...I just don't have any words and I'm still very numb. Even the tiniest things set me off now. I feel broken, my body crushed.

I found out that the reason I would have to wait 6 months to do this clinical trial is most likely because the numerical sequence found in the cancer that the T-cells would attack, can also be found in the uterine lining in women who have normal estrogen levels (which I have despite several treatments I've done). Therefore, to prevent that attack and my possibly bleeding out during the procedure, I would need to do lupron shots or some kind of hormonal therapy for 6 months to prevent the numerical sequence from showing before I undergo this type of clinical trial.

I don't know if I have 6 months. I don't know if it's worth the wait. People are telling me "oh just get a hysterectomy"...but I don't think people really understand how that was never supposed to be on the table, it will definitely have an impact on me as I'm only 24, and I'm not mentally prepared to even consider it yet. I have sent out 2 emails desperately asking my oncologist to send me any other options in terms of treatment...I have been waiting by the phone all day with nothing so far. I'm waiting to hear from the nurse at NIH to see if I can have my scans sent over so I don't have to wait another month and a half to have another PET scan (as the one I had was unnecessarily done in the end). I'm looking into other places, but it would be nice to hear back from SOMEONE before I make any decision on what to do next.

So here I am stuck in this limbo...waiting...impatiently...riddled with anxiety. Wondering how much my cancer has already progressed over the course of the past month or so. Wondering what options are left for me...if there are any. I'm so much more scared than I've ever been and trying not to let it show 24/7. I can't sleep well because of that. I'm trying to hold onto what little strands of faith I have left, but I feel like it's slipping through my fingers. I know I'm not alone but oh how I feel it, all the time now.