Drawing On Strength

Hey peeps! So I just finished my second immunotherapy treatment yesterday. All went well and since they monitored me the first time, they didn't need to stick around long and I got to leave right after the needle was out which was nice. Though I have acquired my next symptom...nausea. Although very very mild, it still is very triggering any time anyone so much as mentions food or shows me a plate....my appetite is totally gone and I keep getting small waves of feeling like I'm gonna be sick. But despite that and the constant fatigue that has been plaguing me since my first treatment, I decided it's time I post an update on here. So hello again!

Since my last post (which I apologize for being about two weeks ago) I've been dealing with an emotional roller coaster. It hasn't quite gone away yet as I had a minor meltdown even at my treatment yesterday. The fear keeps creeping in the back of my mind about the unexpected to come and the loneliness I'm going to have to endure. But I've been trying to keep my mind distracted on other things as much as possible. It's always been a challenge for me when people say "go to your happy place" because I never really established one particular place in my head. I also have difficulty focusing on a specific spot in the room because then that just makes thoughts move through my mind like bullet trains. Sometimes instead I try to look at pictures and ask myself things like "where/who is this? what was this picture taken? who's taking the picture? what would I do if I was there?...etc"

However this was impossible this past week as I went into the dentist again to get some cavities filled. It's mandatory to do all dental work before you go in for a bone marrow transplant...I guess to minimize any chance of infection. So there I was lying back in the chair facing the ceiling waiting for my mouth to go numb. I can't exactly hold up a picture to my face to distract myself from the drill so instead I asked if I could put in my earbuds and listen to some music on my ipod. I got the ok and was told to just close my eyes and relax. I didn't exactly go to a "happy place" but when I turned on my ipod, I realized the last thing I was listening to was movie soundtracks...and I had an epiphany.

All throughout my childhood I did competitive figure skating. I used to pick my own pieces of music to skate to and they were always from movie soundtracks. I skated to everything from Pirates of the Caribbean, to Harry Potter, to Titanic, even the musical Phantom of the Opera and more. Every time my music would start I would envision myself as a character in that movie/musical and to me it wasn't just a skating program...it became a performance. Since my skating days, I've still embraced soundtracks and listen to them when I'm alone. Sometimes I find myself choreographing skating routines or act out scenes from that movie in my head for fun.

(This is me skating to Titanic in 2006)

But that day at the dentist was a bit different. The movie soundtrack that came on was from a Marvel superhero movie (specifically one of the X-men movies). With my eyes closed, I found myself not choreographing something, but seeing one of the characters in my head...Professor X (James McAvoy version although I have nothing against Patrick Stewart). He told me to make a list in my mind of every X-men superhero I could draw strength from and look up to. He told me with each one to really invision them and think of examples of moments where they showed that strength. So as the music started intensifying in my ears and the dentist started to drill, I went to work.

1. Mystique - for not being afraid to be herself
   
2. Magneto - for his passion in standing up for what he believes in (even if his views are sometimes in the wrong)
   
3. Beast - for accepting what has been done to him and moving forward with a positive light
   
4. Wolverine - despite having sass and a temper, he always puts those he loves first
   
5. Nightcrawler - for always holding true to his faith
   
6. Deadpool - HE'S A FREAKIN CANCER SURVIVOR AND KICKS BUTT!
   
7. Professor X - for overcoming his fears in order to do the right thing and going above and beyond to help others like himself
   

Those are just a few of the ones I listed. My list went so long that by the time I finished I was told the procedure was over and I could get ready to go. When I left and got in my car I finally realized...this could be my way with coping. With the hundreds of soundtracks I have on my ipod, anytime I grow fearful of something, I can draw on strength of my heroes/favorite characters and it will be a lingering distraction and a way to cope with my fear. I don't need a happy place to run away from my problems...what I need are people I can look up to in order to face these difficult times that are approaching. I got this!